You’ve labeled us rightly: Real news. It’s no libel.
Forget about Putin; we’re just having fun
as we cling to tradition, and guns, and the Bible.
The pipe-dream is ending. Your war has begun.
We are glad you’re progressive—your future awaits.
Take your baggage, and go. We won’t hinder your flight.
You could choose one of many dull globalist states
or else stay, and prepare for the cultural night.
We are vulgar and mean. You appreciate art.
We’re black velvet painting. You’re classical strings.
We are rigidly Right. You are left feeling smart
but appalled by the changes democracy brings.
We’re the garbagemen next to your uptown Picasso.
Our news is pure falsity. Why ? Cause you say so !
We are selfish, aggressive, misogynist too . . .
(you can ask our sweet wives if the latter is true).
We’re oppressive to immigrants, harsh on our kids.
While you signal your virtue, we have none to show.
Such deplorable ways have you flipping your lids.
So please go out in style. Or else don’t—but just GO.
We’re immune to the slurs you’ve been slinging for years.
Please progress to the North without further delay
and make good on your promises. Spare us the tears.
And buzz off—take a hike. Break a leg. Fade away.