A Pride of Limericks

Jun29

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The annual Darwin Gay Ball
Was a gala occasion for all.
The Australopithecus
Looked quite ridiculous
Leaning, half-drunk, on the wall.

Zinjanthropus, high on bananas
Uttered forth a long chain of Hosannas.
Although missing a link,
He knew just what to think
And went cruising for greener savannas.

The Cro-Magnons (more agile than Lucy)
Like their hunting and gathering juicy . . .
The mating was prime
And their dance, so sublime,
Could out-monkey the funky Watusi.

‘Twas a lowbrow event; all the same,
Proto-drag-queens competed for fame.
The divine Homo Habilis,
Hairy, but fabulous,
Gave Knuckle-Dragging its name.

Homo Sapiens‘ wisdom has wrecked us
As the Darwinist doctrines infect us.
Knuckle-draggers may dream,
But bonobos now scream
That the winner is: Homo Erectus!

Evolutionary Limericks

Feb26

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The annual Darwin Gay Ball
Was a gala occasion for all.
The Australopithecus
Looked quite ridiculous
Leaning, half-drunk, on the wall.

Zinjanthropus, high on bananas
Uttered forth a long chain of Hosannas.
Although missing a link,
He knew just what to think
And went cruising for greener savannas.

The Cro-Magnons (more agile than Lucy)
Like their hunting and gathering juicy . . .
The mating was prime
And their dance, so sublime,
Could out-monkey the funky Watusi.

‘Twas a lowbrow event; all the same,
Proto-drag-queens competed for fame.
The divine Homo Habilis,
Hairy, but fabulous,
Gave Knuckle-Dragging its name.

Homo Sapiens‘ wisdom has wrecked us
As the Darwinist doctrines infect us.
Knuckle-draggers may dream,
But bonobos now scream
That the winner is: Homo Erectus!

Shout-out to the Motherboard from the Fatherland

Dec31

I, El Desdichado, Lord & Master of ConnectHook
DEMAND recognition as The Most Boring Poetry Blogger.

You’ll never touch me so don’t even TRY.

Don’t even bother dipping your quill again,
you mere drip on the mildewed scroll of antediluvian parchment,
you cuneiform Cunégonde, you proto-Canaanite pottery fragment,
you keyboarding clown-failure and archeological relic
unworthy of preservation in a third-rate underfunded Albanian museum…

I, and I alone, dragged myself up from the protoplasmic slime to BORE you.
I transitioned from amphibian to anthropoid before your mama even MET the postman.
I stood upright upon the bloody battleground of evolutionary struggle
and SELECTED MYSELF (naturally).
Now pass that banana right here.

Behold: The Missing Link

Militant Evolution

Sep30

OK everyone – put on your little Lenin hats and your Che Guevara T-shirts. Clutch your tattered Richard Dawkins books and lock arms.

In scientific solidarity, let us now gaze with fiery resolve into the future. Fundies, Christards and myth-mongers up against the wall. Humankind is on the march. NO MORE LIES ! Science has proven beyond any shadow of doubt that the Flying Spaghetti Monster was never anything but a Hebrew folktale. Magical thinkers and superstitious simpletons, tremble before enlightened laser-focused REASON. We must murder God in the minds of men. Millions of years of natural selection and adaptation have brought us to this global zenith of socialist awakening. It’s not easy to be such progressive free-thinkers but it IS up to us to guide the masses. FORWARD !

(to the tune of “Lead us, Heavenly Father, lead us”)

Evolutionary Hymn

by C.S. Lewis (1898–1963)

Lead us, Evolution, lead us
Up the future’s endless stair:
Chop us, change us, prod us, weed us.
For stagnation is despair:
Groping, guessing, yet progressing,
Lead us nobody knows where.

Wrong or justice in the present,
Joy or sorrow, what are they
While there’s always jam to-morrow,
While we tread the onward way?
Never knowing where we’re going,
We can never go astray.

To whatever variation
Our posterity may turn
Hairy, squashy, or crustacean,
Bulbous-eyed or square of stern,
Tusked or toothless, mild or ruthless,
Towards that unknown god we yearn.

Ask not if it’s god or devil,
Brethren, lest your words imply
Static norms of good and evil
(As in Plato) throned on high;
Such scholastic, inelastic,
Abstract yardsticks we deny.

Far too long have sages vainly
Glossed great Nature’s simple text;
He who runs can read it plainly,
Goodness = what comes next.
By evolving, Life is solving
All the questions we perplexed.

On then! Value means survival –
Value. If our progeny
Spreads and spawns and licks each rival,
That will prove its deity
(Far from pleasant, by our present
Standards, though it well may be).